Drawing His Heart

As humans, we are all gifted, beautiful creations. So why do we find it so hard to believe about ourselves?

It’s so easy to look at others and envy them. We envy their confidence, their beauty, their promotion, their popularity and so on. We compare ourselves to them and think we are lacking. This can provoke a constant drive through our actions for approval, or, conversely, it can lead us into inactivity, and fear of failure. One of the reasons we struggle to celebrate our uniqueness is that we have grown up hearing negative words spoken over us. It’s not that there isn’t a level truth in them – it has more to do with the negative slant they convey. These come through our parents, grandparents, carers, peers and teachers to name a few. We can be limited by them and not even realise it. We have believed these lies for so long, it doesn’t occur to us to question the truth of them. One of the words spoken over me was ‘gullible’:

gullible: adjective. too willing to believe or accept what other people tell you and therefore easily tricked, synonym naive (Oxford Dictionary)

As a child, I was not particularly popular but not friendless either. But I did suffer quite a bit of persecution. In appearance, I presented as a bony blond scrap with hazel eyes, a shy smile, severe excema and scarecrow hair. The excema was miserable and weepy in the cracks of my joints; my eyes deep and shadowed in their sockets with classic creases beneath. Add to the scabs, the hair. Even now, I can brush my hair and make it look quite nice and tidy but give it an hour or so and, whoah! What happened there? We recently had a lovely break in Devon. The beach and the wind had a field day crafting my neat plaits into a frenzied scrabble of wisps and knots. I think my hair exasperated Mum too as, in the guise of a treat, she had a proper hairdresser (salon visit and everything) cut it “to suit her face”. The resulting bowl-cut ensured I was mistaken for a boy for the next few years and compounded my belief that I was the most unattractive little girl on the planet. Recently, even my own son enquired, “Who’s that boy?”, looking through old family photos together. Wow.

Character-wise, I was trusting, passionate, fierce, selfish, bossy, truthful, creative, hated injustice and loved muddy stuff as much as dressing up. All of this wrapped up in an introverted, sensitive mindset. As such, I was often a rich source of entertainment to those around me; I was particularly easy to wind up. And the resulting fiery response from me was an irresistible temptation to my tormentors. Despite these apparent handicaps, I utilised my elder sibling status to the full, being simultaneously loyal and cruel to my younger sister (and the cat). And generally instructing anyone younger than me in the way things were to be done.

I loved reading and gobbled through The Magic Faraway Tree, The Wishing Chair, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (and all of Narnia really), The Box of Delights, Gobbolino the Witch’s Cat, The Borrowers, The Famous Five, The Dark is Rising (etc) and the Chronicles of Prydain (I can think of loads more with joy – happy days!). Plus a huge helping of fairytales: Ladybirds, Grimm, Hans Christian Anderson and The Colour Fairy books by Andrew Lang. Anything to do with magic, miniature, romance or adventure. My mind could easily believe in the existence of fairies, witches and magic. My sister and I would create tiny gardens or houses; spending hours imagining little people climbing up and living in the branches of our enormous conifer. One year, I bought a sugar mouse and resisted the (very strong) temptation to eat it. Instead, it was lovingly placed in a shoe box with a cardboard tube, some cotton wool for bedding and various random items to play with such as a plastic smarties tube lid. I pierced holes in the top and prayed to the fairies to make my mouse real. After a week I reluctantly accepted that they were unwilling to grant this particular request and I ate it.

I always got 50p from the fairies for my teeth, which were riches to me. One night I put my tooth in the little glass on the chest of drawers at the end of our bunk bed. I slept on the top. This time, I decided was going to wait up to see them come. I was still awake when, quite late into the evening, Mum came into the room with a pile of clean clothes to put away. I scuttled to the end of the bed to see if my tooth was still there – it was. Mum whispered ‘Go to sleep or they won’t come’. So I scrambled back under the bedclothes and closed my eyes. ‘Night, night, sleep tight’. Except that as soon as Mum pulled the door to the brick that kept it slightly ajar, I hastened to look once more. My eyes grew very wide – it was amazing! There, in the glass, was a brand new 50p instead of my pearly white. I was so excited I called out ‘ Mummy, Mummy! The fairies have been, we must have just missed them!’

Our family regularly attended a parish church, so I also believed in God and can’t remember a time when I didn’t. But God, to me, had a white beard, sat in the clouds and was always looking to tell you off. I was aware of Him as a sort of strict headmaster who could see everything you did and wasn’t always pleased with what He saw. But that began to change towards the end of primary school when I had the first experience (as far as I can remember) of answered prayer. I can’t remember why, but one playtime we were discussing the weather. I think it was to do with sports day and the weather forecast was for rain. The threat of cancelation loomed strongly so there was an air of disappointment. I said I would pray for good weather so that it could go ahead. I did, each day, for the next three days. And for those three days it was bright beautiful sunshine in spite of Michael Fish (or Jack Scott) on the BBC. I was in no doubt that God had answered my request favourably and I think my friends saw that too.

Through secondary school, the gullible nature in me was always getting me into difficulty. I would fall for tricks and pranks whilst failing to spot ulterior motives with monotonous regularity. I literally learnt to hate this aspect of my character. It made me feel weak and helpless. After these occasions, I would be sitting and crying with a friend somewhere, nursing my hurt feelings and the friend would be like:

“But you’re so gullible, you make it so easy!”

So, whilst I grew up believing in the unseen and hidden, I also grew to believe that it was wrong and childish to do so. That if I didn’t I would always be an object of ridicule. That, to be acceptable in society a normal person should grow out of it. Thankfully, I didn’t grow out of it, I couldn’t and didn’t want to. But I did ask God for wisdom. I still have a natural tendency to believe everything I hear, but I rely heavily on my understanding of God, His Word and Holy Spirit whispering in my ear to assess what is truth and what is a lie. I now know that saying “I am gullible” is a lie. I am not gullible. I am faith-full. The Lord has gifted me with a rather large slice of faith and all the while I was growing up, I was figuring out what it was and how to use it.

Each of us has these gifts and talents and we can so easily be robbed of them and therefore those around us are also robbed of what we bring. No-one else on the earth is like you. You are unique and wonderful. The Bible tells us in John 10:10 that the devil comes to steal, kill and destroy but that the Lord came so that we might have life and have it to the full. The devil will try to make us believe lies about ourselves through what others say about us. We can even help him by speaking those lies over others to. The power of life and death is in the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). We should be careful about what we say and what we hear.

The Bible states that without faith it is impossible to please God (Hebrews 11:6). The enemy knew this and tried to undermine the very thing God gave me to enjoy rich relationship with Him (amongst other things). It is true that I still feel patronised on occasion and that some people I come across still think of me as gullible. But the difference is, that I no longer believe that about myself. I see it as a strength because the Word of God tells me it is and because by using this gift I have seen tangible results in my prayer life (Matt 21:22).

What words have been spoken over you? What do you really believe about yourself? How does what you think line up with what God says about you in the Bible? Ask God to show you His truth about you – what words is He speaking over you? Maybe the thing you despise the most about yourself has the potential to be your greatest asset.

Father God, thank you for creating us uniquely and so wonderfully. Help me to see myself the way You see me. Show me where I have believed lies. I am so sorry for believing that about myself and thank you for Your Word of truth about me. I forgive those that have spoken harsh words over me. Help me also to see others the way You see them. Give me the wisdom to discern Your patterns and gifts in myself and others. Put a love-guard on my mouth so that I can speak only words of life over myself and others. In Jesus name I ask.

There’s been enough going on recently for me to find it hard to imagine there is a single person on the planet who hasn’t asked a ton of ‘why?’s and ‘what on earth?’   A month ago, I believe the Lord was inviting me to write something.  In my mind’s eye, I saw Him in the corner of our bedroom by the door.  He was holding a feather quill pen.  This, for two days in a row. 

Followers of Jesus, are urged to be obedient to God’s will, because our obedience is an act of love. I sincerely want to respond quickly to the Holy Spirit’s prompting but I keep tripping up over myself.  A whole month has gone by and I’m only starting now. 

While I know there is no excuse for this delay, there is a reason.  Well, there are a few actually. For one, right now, I am in the zone.  The one where you are finally cruising along after a spell of continual diversions, blind-sides and illness. It was around 2012 when God started asking me to illustrate His heart.  I am now consistently drawing and painting things that God has been showing me or who He is to me.  It has taken me far too long to grasp a firm hold of this particular job and finally, I am focused on it.  So I’m like:

“But I’m really in to doing this right now, Lord”

God is like:

“If you don’t stop and listen, I’m going to have to take your paintbrush away.”

“Ok, I’m listening.”

(See, I am a bit quicker to say that now.  It’s when you get to look back and realise what you missed because you didn’t do as you were asked.  And, worse, you realise what other people missed because you didn’t do what you were asked. But here’s the thing – even though I have been so unreliable, He still asks me to do stuff for Him) 

Then I’m like:

“Why God? What’s the point?” And, “I don’t think I’d be very good at it anyway.”

He’s like:

(well, He doesn’t say anything)

Then I’m like:

“OOh! What’s that pretty thing over there?  I’m just going to go over there and look at this lovely thing…”

Meanwhile another few years pass.  Actually, as this time it has been a month, in general I am definitely progressing.

Some humans are very easily side-tracked and meander in all sorts of directions.  Our lives become littered with a multitude of beginnings. I have dreamt all manner of truly beautiful concepts whose aroma of promise lie vaguely in drawers, boxes, cupboards, behind the shed and cluttering my mind. Every now and then the Lord is like:

“Caroline! Listen!”

Really loudly.

When I say that, I don’t mean I can hear a loud voice literally.  I mean, I might have a close shave in the car, or a young friend dies unexpectedly or a pandemic comes along and stops the world.  I am not saying God allows things to happen just to get our attention. Although there are occasions when He does.  But we also have to recognise they are happening anyway to a dying world – it is wearing out (there is a whole lot to unpack on this subject, but I’m not going to go there right now). What I am saying is that when these things happen, if we choose to, we can recognise our mortality and begin to reconcile with God. It’s a moment to notice – to sit up and listen. Often following are a series of coincidences and remarkable occurrences.  God speaks to all of us like this, but we usually miss it or dismiss it.

This brings me round to ‘Why?’ again. Why does He want me to write? What does He want me to write? This time, I have had a glimmer of possibility as to why.  Twice, I have been led to read Revelation chapters 17-20 in the past few weeks. The book of Revelation in the Bible is a series prophetic visions of the end of the world as we know it and widely believed to be written by Jesus’ closest disciple. So, before I go further, a note on this.  

As Christians (I’m explaining this in case you’re not) we believe Jesus is coming back to collect us and take us to be with Him. An event popularly known as the ‘rapture’.  We also believe in a final showdown where He is coming to kick satan to hell and God is going to judge us for what we have and haven’t done.  If we believe Jesus is the Son of God and call Him ‘Lord’ then we will be saved and spend eternity with Him in a glorified state.  All will be restored according to God’s original design.  There will be no more crying, sickness or death.  But if we don’t, we get to spend eternity in hell. 

There are numerous references and a lot of detail elsewhere in the Bible about the end of all time, and like Revelation, most of it is in picture language or and may or may not be metaphorical. It isn’t chronological either.  As a result there are various interpretations that can be made as to the exact order of signs and events mentioned.  One thing is clear – it is going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better. It warns there will be wars, rumours of wars, earthquakes, famines, tsunamis and violent winds.  Of extreme selfishness and greediness in people, murder and intense suffering, etc. It is less clear whether the Lord will whisk His followers away from the worst of it or whether we will have to endure it like everyone else.

Ok, so that was a mouthful and you may be reading this and think, ‘what a load of …….!’. Which, of course is fine, no-one is making you read this, so no harm done. I am simply sharing what I believe.  But you may be intrigued, so read on God-seekers.

It occurred to me that if the so-called rapture happened right now before the worst bits, then I wouldn’t be here in person to tell you my God stories. None of us would be.  And the richest source of current testimony to God’s goodness and rescue plan would be lost to those left behind.  So this is possibly why I am feeling compelled to write.

To go back to my title question: ‘Does God care?’ I now have to ask myself ‘Do I care?’.  God has already answered the first.  The mike was dropped on that question when the resurrected Jesus went up to heaven in front of eye-witnesses.

But before He went, Jesus clearly instructed His followers to tell people what He had done and to do the same. He told us to heal sick people, to throw demons out of people (yes, believe it or not, they are real) and to command dead people to live again.  He wasn’t being metaphorical about this.  God’s love and care is shown through His people because He is living inside them.  If you are asking ‘Does God care?’, it means there aren’t enough of us around actually doing the things He’s asked us to do. 

So I am going to write about the best person I know. He is my amazing Father, my closest friend and rescuer. He spoke to me and loved me when no-one else could. He lifted me up and made me new. He forgave me and filled me with peace.  I am not afraid to share Him with You because I know  sharing doesn’t mean I have less of His attention.  He is still able to give me all of His attention all of the time, whilst giving you exactly the same undivided attention.  He can do that with every single person on the planet and in heaven simultaneously. I don’t know your circumstances as you read this, but God does.  And yes, He really does care.  He cares when we are sick, when we think we are losing our minds. He cares even though we feel like we fail. He cares when people who are supposed to love us betray us. He cares when we feel bullied and intimidated by threads on social media.  He cares when we are unfairly judged or hated.  He cares that millions of children have been abandoned, neglected, or killed.  He cares that the beautiful planet He made for us is slowly dying. He sees the gossip-mongers, polluters, abusers, the liars, thieves, the cheaters and the adulterers and the traffickers.  

He cares because He made us for relationship with Him.

But the problem is – none of us are guilt free.  Every one of us has been part of the problem even when we haven’t been aware of it. And often we do know exactly when we’ve been part of it. We all do these all sorts of these things in some measure.  The book of Revelation describes in detail that God is going to judge and deal severely with those who practice these and other things.  Which is controversial because we live in an increasingly liberal culture. Even as Christians, we don’t like to talk about this because it isn’t comfortable.  And we love to be comfortable: comfy sofa, comfy mattress, comfort food, loungewear… 

If you don’t believe me, ask Him.  Ask God to show Himself to you.  Ask Him about His rescue plan for you. If you have a friend or know someone who is a believer, ask them.  Jesus isn’t a swear word, He’s a person – Ask them who He is to them.  Ask them to pray for your circumstances.  Ask them to pray for your healing. Ask them to show you how to talk to God and hear Him for yourself. 

And, if you’re like me and already know Him – let’s share how lovely He is and let’s be ready with the answers.

That says it all really – as I try to figure out how to make this look how I imagined it.  Trusting that God will fill up all that is lacking…